Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 21, 2020 19:04:09 GMT
Dear Karl:
I wanted to apologize for always pushing you away. I have wanted to explain myself but I did not want to imply that I am the victim. I know you're the victim. Despite my love, I am still frightened of you. I'm afraid you're going to be angry. I'm afraid you're going to be calling from jail. I'm afraid you are in trouble. I'm afraid you're going to ask me for something that I don't want to give you. I'm afraid that we will argue. I'm afraid that we will talk too long and I get a headache. I am afraid you are going to chastise me for the past. I'm afraid because you're black. All this comes flooding back when you call no matter how hard I try to ignore these feelings.
You have changed so much in the last year that I really think I just need a little bit more time to cope with these irrational feelings. I don't like this knee-jerk reaction I have when you call. It's unreasonable and unfair So I ask you to forgive me and to not give up on me.
I went to a demonstration today in Richmond. They're painting " Black Lives Matter," on the sidewalk on McDonald. I stopped to talk to the young people and give them my "God Loves You cards". Only about half took them. One poor guy, around 18, kept looking from side to side before he took the card. He wanted it, but he was embarrassed.
But then when I was their age I was still an agnostic. But they need to know that there is a higher power behind all of this. God works slowly but he does work toward a better end. Perhaps he had Trump elected so we would get so sick of The Republicans that we would make changes we ordinarily wouldn't change. I can't begin to speculate on what God has in mind. I just know that my faith is strong in him and in you.
Please accept this little note in the spirit in which it is sent with love and the belief than speaking the truth, no matter how hard, is the beginning of change..
This link leads to the 12-Step program I created to deal with my codependency with my son Karl
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