Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 6, 2022 12:39:06 GMT
I have been a Quaker for more than thirty years. Recently, I went back to church in Berkeley and met John Burdick. We have been corresponding ever since. He is a fountain of wisdom about spiritual matters. He does not push me away because of my allegiance to twelve-step programs. He loves me unconditionally. I have decided to record for posterity some of our communications.
Dear John:
The Temptation to Imitate Love: This is very reassuring because I am always very honest about my anger at people and tend to feel guilty. I see anger as a normal defense mechanism, but sometimes I take it too far. For the most part, I do not pretend to like people. I am very honest that way, but universal love is my ultimate goal. I really love this sentence: "It has truly been said that we only grow in character when we are and if we merely force ourselves to act as loving Christians we do not learn to love, nor do we grow in love."
The Temptation to Hate Oneself. This reminds me of the book Giuseppe gave me. "When the melancholic dejectedly desires to be rid of life, of himself, is this not because he will not learn earnestly and rigorously to love himself? When a man surrenders himself to despair because the world or some person has left him faithlessly betrayed, what then is his fault except that he does not love himself the right way." Soren Kierkegaard in Works of Love.
Still it is not easy for me to love myself as I am a perfectionist and the Bible asks us to be perfect. Intellectually, I do not believe in being perfect, but my inner critic does.
I am also reminded of something that happened to me in 1983. God said to me, “Susan, I love you.” I broke out in tears. I went to my sponsor in AA and asked her what was going on. She said it was a spiritual experience. God wants you to love yourself. I said, “I cannot do that. I am unlovable.” She said, “Who are you to argue with God.” That was the beginning of my journey toward self acceptance and self love.
The Temptation to Separate Love of God from Love of People. This also reminds me of something I learned thirty years ago from Corrie Ten Boom. I think I told you this story. After the war she ran into one of the guards at the concentration camp where her sister died. In her book, she describes being unable to shake his hand until she asked God to fill her with his love. I tried this once and it worked. I was arguing with a woman at a grocery store and it got heated and I suddenly asked God for help. Suddenly, I saw this whole woman’s life flash before my eyes and I was filled with compassion for her.
Universal love is my ultimate goal. I am working on it very hard. What God is revealing to me is that the damage in my childhood is worse than I thought. I have all the characteristics of what they call an Adult Child. I really want God to heal me and I am hopeful about this.
Thanks for these readings and keep them coming.
Your friend in Christ, Susan