Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 27, 2020 16:10:26 GMT
What I call the honeymoon phase is very important as the memories will serve you well when you move on to other phases.
To understand “genuine love,” which comes next read, “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck. His theory is that the honeymoon phase is God’s way of getting past our fear and ambivalence, and then it will dissipate.
Pick up a copy of “Getting the Love You Want,” to understand what to do to reactivate the honeymoon phase later in the marriage. He has his clients make a list of what they think is romantic. Then they exchange the lists. Some of the lists are funny as the men will say things like go camping with me, go snow boarding with me; watch football with me. And the women will say things like hearts and flowers.
Your ideas are very good, but I cannot speak for Marta.
I like flowers, cards, intimate dinners, candles—the regular stuff. I like to be acknowledged when Frank and I are in public. In church, which is an intimate place for me, he puts his arm around me and holds my hand. I feel as if he is proud of me.
The most romantic thing for me is the fact that Frank loves me despite Gretchen. He has made it clear that he does not like my shadow/outer child, but he finds a way to live with her. When someone loves us despite our shortcomings, it is very romantic. So try not to change her too much but to accept her for who she is. When you do chastise use SET and make sure she knows you love her but not her behavior.
I think the most romantic thing I have ever observed was when you let her shine at the Inner Dance Workshop. I was amazed and impressed. If I remember right you stood up to her but you let her do it and then forgave her. Now that is romance and intimacy all wrapped up together.
There are a lot of Google articles about these things. Try “keeping your woman happy without losing yourself.” Just a reminder . . . loving too much and codependency is not romantic as people tend to “bite the hand that feeds them.”
Finally, you must tell her what is romantic to you. The modern marriage is based on reciprocity (give and take).
I can’t wait to watch the two of you grow. You got past the Switch so you will get by more ambivalence when it comes up. Listen, validate, allow her to vent, and then give her a hug and a reason to stay. You will do fine. I have such confidence in you.
P.S. Frank is no longer willing to enable Gretchen so I am working full time on keeping her under control. She is my shadow and one of my teachers said, “Embrace the Shadow.” So my goal is to love her by not let her drive the car.