The Imago Aug 19, 2020 22:19:03 GMT
Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 19, 2020 22:19:03 GMT
Both Howard Halpern and Harville Hendrix discuss attraction.
My "current" theory is that we are attracted to our Imago. This is what Hendrix calls our dream partner, an image of which we carry around in our brain.
The Imago is like a puzzle. As we are growing up, every time someone significant in our lives stimulates us it becomes a piece of the puzzle--a memory. Even with our parents this can be a sensual imprint, but not always.
At the end of adolescence, we are not really sure, the last piece of the puzzle is in place and we have a picture of out Imago.
Most love addicts go searching for the Imago with a vengeance. Normal people just wait for the Imago to come along, and build a successful happy life, including high self-esteem, in the meantime.
When normal people meet their Imago they are attracted and, sometimes, fall in love. Love Addicts go nuts. Everything is magnified.
Normal people eventually discover that their Imago needs a little bit to be desired, and seek out compatible people, assuming their Imago is not compatible.
One the other hand, love addicts get addicted to their Imago and pass up on others who might fulfill them in other ways besides the magic of l passion.
My Imago was my father. He was an alcoholic. I was attracted to alcoholics, or at least taking care of them. When I got to AA, there were all these sober alcoholics and I was thrilled.
I saw my dad crying one day, and tried to cheer him up. So I was also attracted to weak men, and I wanted to help them.
My Imago is not just sexual. He is intelligent and well-spoken. Obama has the characteristics of my Imago.
In recovery, we must do an inventory of our Imago. Put the negative things we can't have on one side of the page, and the positive things we can keep on the other.
We must reconstruct our Imago.
The hard part is becoming attracted to our new Imago. This is hard. It is like being told by the doctor that we can no longer eat sugar (give something up) and start eating our vegetables (adding something healthy) In time, we really do learn to love our veggies and we live happily ever after.
Attraction (love addicts call it love right away) at first sight is not enough. Be patient and let the love grow.
In the beginning, I was not attracted to Sandra because she was a woman and she was in a wheel chair with a stump for a leg. Within six months I was in love. I noticed it one day when we were laughing and I compared that to all my old relationships in the past. Love was just the absence of pain at that time. It got even better as time went along and we bonded. When you bond everything gets exciting.
I used to have a list of what I was looking for in a partner. It was all Imago stuff. I left out compatible and, most of all for me, AVAILABLE. I don't have a list anymore. It is in God's hands.
I finally met the right person. He was a little like my Imago at first. When we first met he had a drug problem. He gave it up after I gave him an ultimatum--unlike my father who never got sober. Frank was also quiet, and soft spoken, but when he talked he was very wise. He was nothing like the men on my list but he was a gift from God. The only time we argued what when I tried to change him to be like my Old Imago. He insisted on being himself. He was a gifted musician and that had never been on my list. So he helped me learn to enjoy music. I taught him to share more of his resources and to open up a bit. I lost in last year. I still miss him.